Friday, December 30, 2005

bouche


bouche
Originally uploaded by blueolive.
You who understand the dehumanization of forced
removal-relocation-reeducation-redefinition, the humiliation of having to falsify your own reality, your voice - you know and often you cannot say it. You try and keep on trying to unsay it, for if you don't they will not fail to fill in the blanks on your behalf, and you will be said.

Trinh T. Minh-ha Woman,Native,Other 1989)

Monday, December 26, 2005

...there is a music project called the silkroadproject


along_silk_road
Originally uploaded by blueolive.
The CD has inspired
my dad to show us how to dance with scarves--
arms and hands almost timid, or unpracticed, as though you know the drawing of the movment but you dont know how to draw it out of your body memory) floating over his head and behind his back as though holding imaginary scarves, a decided lack of attention to the rhytm but more attention to the melodic instrumental travels over rippled mountinas valeeys, the caspian sea and a river running through my imagination

--did youever watch anyone dance like that?

--at some point the hands land on hips, a little mischevious smile lands, and my mother, who has been standing in the doorway watching, says
her voice warbling with truth-voice laughter: you're making that up!!!
the forgotten scarf licks at his elbow as he half prances back to the couch, facing away, trying to hide ---his twinkling eyes and half smile that suggest, at least some part of this performance, coaxed on by my mother and I, spaning from its hand weaving pattern on the far end of the couch

only arms and couch imbeded hip movments

ending
standing poised on the beautiful carpet coloured with
pomegranate skins

the hand on hips and in the air (having just thrown back a winter scarf that failed in the project that was suggesting two silk scarves)

The spot was then taken up by my mother
who explored the 'persian' dancing method of hip and foot...
here instead of hands it is a evocation of hip and belley, a drawing a dance seen and known in a core that is eminating its known-fact-like-breath movement, becoming something-like-this-exactly ripples on the hip weaving foot swerving surface hands and fingers eventually weaving in to castanets and foot stamping (ball first) as the rhythm gets pulled out of the melody and weaves with memories of an old bar with flamenco dancers --"the food was bad, though...that was a long time ago (hands forgotten, attention to feet now )..it was a restaurant, what was it called?
"Don Quixote...near spadina north of college"
hands and feet have stopped...
I fall in love with the CD
for more than the cello,
the musical intermingling
and the second mention of an instrument, the 'Tabla,' a drum I may just have to learn to play.

this might be why I love these sounds so much...

www.silkroadproject.org

ppffftttt....watch which tree you try to fell in this forest, it may not protect you, you may instead be clearcut to overexposure


tree shelter
Originally uploaded by blueolive.
Pomengranate and Plantanes-- this is to book mark that beyond this post there is something more...

also dispite my painting of more painful moments the ones i have the hardest time dealing wtih, the uglier times, I stick around because there are good things, good people with good hearts who i hurt, and who hurt me but it is contradicting things,the good that make me want to find the well that I sprang from...

HeadLIne: dinner ended in seemingly good terms. Gave young family friend in 1st year uni a political prisoners art callender. sowing seeds.

yesterday we argued at the dinner table about decorated and lit 'Christmas' trees on city hall, and why it should stay or be taken down.

Other FFs were there. Can't decide if it will have lasting damage or not.

highlights of the conversation:
Why can't things just say "Mery Christmas" and not "happy hollidays". It IS Christmas.

no way. oh but yes.

YT-- and Chanukkah this year.btw.
and besides what about all those people who feel its an insult or a reminder of an oppressive colonial/ religious or market practice or just DONT want to celebrate (winding up to the rant)
but this capitalist moneydriven 'brainwashing,'society...(yadayadayada)

Some where over the course of the conversation there was:
M-- People Like YOU (actual words)(are the bigots who try to take down my catholic loved christmast tree infront of city hall) try to suppress the (joy) of the Majority, to erase everything for the Minority--n0t acutal words, but phrased using most of the vocabulary)

it was a yelled opportunity for M. Who's deep gut truth voice of accusation was tempered only by our FFs laughing at this accusation..oh and:
M-- You're only saying that (that she was supporting her own interstrets aroudn the damn tree) because Im the ONLY CHRISTIAN here
ff's laugh then say 'what is she!' as though M is ludicrous
looking at me, i shrug, and say not christian, my story is colaborated by M- not so much an affirmation as a tratatorial fact (ok im adding artistic licence here ;).

FFP haha --then what?
YT I dont know. (this i was not prepared for. started to cry. hate that. too close dont ask me who i am ahhh...
the accusations that i am threatening M is not new, though usually washed into private fuel for further heat on the intense coals always under there somewhere).

The arguement about erasure of difference or support of a 'tradition'
took turns such as FF(Pof another short line) asking poignantly "who came here first" as though since they were catholic/christians this justifies the long tradition of c. trees. like society is static and since when did "you were here first" ever WORK as an arguement. its never who came here first, that is a "fact' nicely turned so it benefites thos in Power because, as we know, it is about who is more powerful. we are not in a movietheatre line.

--interesting twist to this was what I will reffer to as the 'bearing straight' analysis that 'we are all imigrants' I think that one was a weak attempt to grapple with much larger xmas-tree-down threat that M was aware that YT was possibly about to chase this innocent FF's question
(in an attempt to lead to a point, that i already disagreed with.)

ha. really, it'slike being 17, but i'm sure im right, or at least that I want them to be less sure that they know one answer. I sure as hell dont think I do. well not all of it. ;) )

Also lead to the very important and relevant question of the struggle of how to recognize diversity while not erasing difference (by for examble deciding 'together to always wish everyone Merry cHristmas' as an ethos, to invite people toshare in the 'joy of the season'"


Now things get complicated when we realize that this discussion is performed by

four people who have chosen to live in this cntry, two who were born here out of that choice and raised in its education system. Four who grew up on countries whos constitutions and cultural life do not hide thier religous anchors or the enforcement of, and two who grew up in the myth of the "mosaic."

Theres more to that but it is long and not so interesting so here is back to the quick good one liners

'Im very catholic and religious even thoughI dont goto church"
(oh and the kicker-- ifyoure still reading:

"its like (this was veyr much out of conetxt:
if I was going (the voice starts to waver) to have a baby, and the choice was to have the baby or die, I would have teh baby -- BUT (begin pondification from moral high ground) if you or T or S (the other 'women' at the table) wanted to have an abortion, I would not judge you."

(and that is why, people, the christmas tree should stay up.)

oh, also
"get off you high horse"
(Im sure i deserved it, lol, i was also interupting alot...)

P ended eventually, with "you should come over more often (glance at P of FF, happens to be old uni buddy), so we can have these very important dicsussions (and not yell them at dinner)."
cute offering. i accepted it.

final comments:
Advice for living (or surviving) from FFM (matriarch of another short line):
"the person who is easy going, and talks like the people they are around is going to be happy and be friends with everyone"
and
"I used to be like you, but why should someone so young be so upset about wheter someone says Merry C or not" (at the END of the convo)
and
"I understand, you are comming from a place where you want to make sure eveyone is comfortable, and no one is hurt"
...yes, or obliterated by systems of oppression that some how became represented in this conversation by the stupid tree...
or the damn cross, on mountains or blasting up into the sky at ocean side in honour of C*l*umb*s--also sent by the same crown that purged its population of non catholics, and resulted in the landing on and "conquering" Tahino land, and later history.

does it all come full circle.

does it sound a little muddled?
it gets really muddled.
and i never know how to get myself out of these messes.

and I always wonder if im not wrong.

tip of the iceberg

plantanes and pomegranates---there is always more to the undercurrent of deep reds and multiple greens that are the pulse of this poste.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

in an effort to counter the capitalism of the day

last night, assessing a situation that derailed, and left me in troubled silence---let me take you on the squeeky track-after school special for a (longish) moment:

family friend, my elder, essentially, extended family. (FF)
FF-- all reigions say dont kill,dont steal, be good to your neighbours
YT (yours truly)--all religions? I dont know, I dont know enough about all religions..(gently, gently YT), but I just dont think some of them care so much ...I mean could be.. but

FF-- (paraphrasing) yes but there are things that are just accepted because it has been around for ever... like homosexuality or (i dont remember the other example, I was deciding if this was a moment of enlightement and good or if cautious nervousness would be the best stance to adopt)
...Its been around since time imemorial, and --something about relion and its role...attempts to ignore it...I cant really recall how we got here: )

FF--if you look at the greeks they had their (friends> partners/lovers
?...dont recall what was said)
but they were private, it was private...now you see these things on TV, (its like they're trying to make it normal--said/inferred i cant recall--)--
..like...as if they..they..they want ME to become gay too.

YT. actively attentive yet reserved, opting for cautious nervousness and to err on the side of politenss..and smouldering for this choice as a representation of cowerdice...cultural/conscience tug of war-- tripping over thoughts and reactions in my head: respect for elders, family friends, one who will love unconditionally-- until you insult him...very kind..holds part of my (cultural) history... still want in my life. and so....

oooohh. k. so in my head i travel some responses through my head, including drawing attention to the fact that 'they' probably dont really care what youre doing with yourself, and how its funny, insnt it that people are affraid of 'becoming gay', after 45+ years of heterosexual nuclear family life. that an advertisement is that threatening to a sense of self is odd, insnt it?
I dont knwo what i said. none of the above.
soon how ever, the scretchy rails are brought back on course by focus on the initial topic at hand:

intervention in calm convo by
M-(matriarch-in a short line): well if we are talking about "religions of the book" ( j-c-i)as its frased in Islam then that is true.

TODAY, in an interest of 'buying back'...I casually mention how funny that reaction was to the P (patriarch of a short line). This was in context of how i wasnt surprised that child of FF didn't know who Mohamad was--since his own child certainly didn't learn it in any instructed way at home, hello.-- and by the way wasn't that comment funny...

and then we got into
'normal' and how homophobia certainly does exist in society, but that comment wasnt really meant that way-- or the sentiment was addressign an attemtempt by people who are homosexual to normalize so that people think it is the way to go. And if people are born that way natually we have torespect that, but for society..
here I got a mini instruction on the survival of all'races'/'civilizations'
--which i kindly confounded with the introduction of -well regardless then how does this arguemetn work now if there are more than one way to procreate even if yo arein a same sex realtionship--
then we got to talking about the question of enculturation (not in those words)
M jumps in here from the kitchen
(surprise)
to begin the speach about the period in development when identity is very exploratory... socialization...blah blah blah...
normal.
blah.
old psych rehtoric.
some where here i said something along the lines of "u learned that way back when psych was wierd"-- as though its not still...but it was an unfair volley in the realm of professional knowledge... LIES (all lies!!) (said in grainy horror film voice, fist raised to sky fruitless? ly). any way. lol.

everyone got grump after this, I however was very calm and available and attentive. unthreatened even.
and at one point, when M got overly defenisve of psych theory/personal investment in theory/catholicism (i didnt point the cath. part out out), there was an intervention by P who decided that this intervention by M (they had been tagteaming thier values it was intersting), was not working...
and that it was beyond the point, pointless infact...
I defended Ms right to continue...feeling bad for having poked at the insecurity of professional relevance...(but also recognizing that it is TRUE.).
and at least wanting Ms voice to be heard. (even if I was ignoring it..hum...)

needless to say.
seeds of descent are again revived.
ho ho ha ha ha...
light a candle and think of
the possibiliteis...

love
I
who am straddeling uncomfortably/comfortably between rage at the enforced carols on the cd player and ambivilence. So long as M is enjoying the atmosphere. thatis the point.. sigh. I just liven it up to feel a pulse every once in a while...

Saturday, December 24, 2005

french and irish mix to make for an international re-connection:

" loads of bisous to you doteen,
--- a* "

contact from Ireland!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Near Kristiansund, Norway


Near Kristiansund, Norway
Originally uploaded by vera_bing.

so.
the cat just peed on my leg.

i typed the word
luck
and
found Norway.
here, i could be.

one eye on the screen, and a neck cramp from glancing back to see if the cat feet I heare belong to the devily orange one who has it in for me.

bonous. if it peed on my leg, at least i didnt have to wash the foor.

small joys. small joys.

.it is actually absurd.

maybe ill do one year in country,
one year out...
or south
or west.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

kensington market


DCP_1608
Originally uploaded by vaneramos.

december.
get through it by filling time with urgent deadlines, and certainly don't stop.
dont go to see, if maybe the bon fire is burning eventhough its after 8...
enjoy the ride...
J showed me how to ride the subway up front, so you see the tunnel, and the platforms...I've never done it here. well Idont remember.
Things like that make it possible to
keep going until I could get here and write this.

still writing a paper.
in the pause-- the one where i went but missed the end of the festival--the 'what am I doings' and the 'im really not that interesting at all' and the 'what do I have to show for myself' and the 'what do I wants' and the 'oh my god im lonely' and the 'i miss you' and the 'i wish i had friends' mixed in with the 'why do i even care' and the 'what will I do next year' and the 'im so self deprecating' and the'im affraid i've been at my best --like it only happnes once'and the 'what does liking what youre doing feel like again?"
and the
reality is
i miss you all.
not because i'm all over,
but because
you're all over.

and its winter
and its december
and its disconnecting

happy solstice. days will be longer.


its just a sad .moment.
tobe honest.



Still..
my paper is STILLL a thorny devil
and more

there is a solstice festival of lights starting at 6pm here.and guess what.
I am still STILL writing.
and i dont even like it.
and some where between 'getting it done' is the fact that Im writing about real people, and that I bet I'm making large generalizations and perpetuating colonization.

it would be funny if that was a joke, but when 'not thinking about it' means falling to the broad spectrum of dominant discourse, and what you're writing about sits outside that,
what if
now I'm tired
and ...
and will have to soon be humbled by my own unintentional generalizations and erasure of difference.
precious idenity
precious subject

ahhh.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Thorny Devil


Thorny Devil
Originally uploaded by blueolive.
as in my paper is a...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

condesnation


condesnation
Originally uploaded by blueolive.
due (dew--hum...) dates,
family trip to snowy away,
over due
reports
yet to be due
essays
memories and missing and
crosswiring of wanting to write letters when thereis no time.

so here it is. some love,
sprinkeld with a desperate
exhausted but
surviving/thriving
see u soon

Thursday, December 08, 2005

miracle


contrail
Originally uploaded by phototop.
i need a miracle

funny how i found this in the picture share...


panic
Originally uploaded by rubyenroute.
'nuf said.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Clifford Attractor 6


Clifford Attractor 6
Originally uploaded by sneeu.
chaos theory apparently can make nice art, according to my physicist/chem roommate.

chaos theory better kick in and make great art out of the material i have read and scattered about my room in an attempt to be a successful ma.

and the sun is setting.
like
pathetic fallacy
.

if chaos theory looked like a sound
if
my brain and body vibrations were mapped for thier chaotic qualities...
i still wouldnt understand what the f.
chiasma was.
hard to put my theoretical finger on it.
i think it is a void though.
ironic.