lemon

but it's a good one-
Originally uploaded by crater.

what i really want right now is lemon-sun therapy. From Portugal. Now.

what i got was a thought cycle that went something like this:
it is 8 something pm. ponty ponty ponty
psychology(ponty was refering to a case study of someone who could only live in the present due to ww1 brain injury)

then
I counted out...
7 years
assuming i get in to an educatonal facility and escape in 6 (masters included).
that would make me 32.
and do i even want to
and am i chasing me or...dont even.
and if i
do decide to have children.
a child
adopt?
whoah.
fucking ticking shit business.
(all because I just read a pamphlet on "lesbian and bi" breast health and it says that high risk for breast cancer includes not having children before 35.fucked.its like eveyone like deadlines even the cellular structures are on to it, just not me.)
not to mention risk factors of degenerative dna strands after 35. but what ever.
and who says i even wanted kids


but what really got me was this:

so if i maybe figure myself out in the next 5 years in that organic way of 'we all change-nothing is permanent:
30... 32 is 3 years from 35 and only 5 years from 40.


god.
what the fuck is going on.

dear permanent,
nothing is.
that's the rub.
you move or
'it' moves for you.
move first.

did i mention i have some trouble concentrating and not all of it is
'LD' related.
or maybe everything is ld related.

Be ware of ANXT.
( i dont have a phone card here.this is my outlet. -disclaimer)

write something that you care about. I mean maybe you all care about what youre studying here, but really, use something that really gets you. Draw on your experience. Get experience. Have a voice.
-paraphrase of prof x today.

Cat sitting in someone elses appartment
so that I can concentrate on my work.
. just as fast as usual.
.but fewer distractions.

except for the usual.

did you know
, i might be watered down
like, i dont get anything at all.
not one single system
not how to smash it
i think i am it.
ah.

maybe if i was more clear, decisive and wrong on occasion
i could critalyze and
concentrate.
and then burn through this
unenviable haze.

i need to act more and thinking less.
act on what.

and these are only a few reasons you have just learned the sign
(which language, I dont know...)
for concentrate.
too bad im not doing semiotics...

Back to phenomenolgoy.
(which, if you do the sign as you read this,
might make this post more relevant to my study than I think.
enjoy being-in-the-world-ness. Ill join in later.)

Giving a walking workshop

Snow falls
Originally uploaded by Shahin Edalati.

tomorrow i am giving a moving workshop.
we are rolling/walking/moving from one location to the next(independent not for profit worker run vegetarian cafe, organic food co op, one of 'northamerica's oldest out door markets' and 'a coffee shop with a penchant for fair-trade coffee'...
all tied together by my yet-to-be-written guided tour regarding teh theme of food security (insecurity), equitable production/producers and systemic violence, and gender.

the sheer panick is what has helped distract me from the world. that and going to a strategy meeting for an action.

things that help me breath through all the thoughts i can't manage to press through clenched teeth.

Drrrriiiip

Drrrriiiip
Originally uploaded by blueolive.

*posted against blog time so they make for some coherence in real-time.

drip

drip
Originally uploaded by blueolive.

Drop.

Drop.
Originally uploaded by blueolive.

i think this image speaks for itself.
Alternatley the canyon of procrastination
or the
valey of lost motivation.

off to the bank to pay the institution...

Sweet Potato Wrapped Up To Go
Originally uploaded by psd.

only to discover:

the word "grant" next to a .four figure summ on my newest invoice.

oh.
my.
god.
if it is true...
which i am
almost
skeptical about...
if it is true
...
well im paying the three figure sum that is left over after the word GRANT and the symbole CR next to the sum in the invoiceline...

and im taking myself out for coffee before some one decides it was a mistake

ha
hum.
whooohooo.

i would

images
Originally uploaded by blueolive.

like to get on a bus and
clear my head.

my neck and shoulders ache as though i;ve been riding one all night.

1946

1946
Originally uploaded by blueolive.

Mary Haworth's Mail (the Montreal GAzette) November 1st 1946
(edited)
Dear Mary Haworth: I am a girl, 15 and I have been going with a boy who is 16. Jsut lately we have started to pet a little and how he wasn more intimacy. I hae talekd thing sover wiht my best girl fired ...we dont even know if petting is somethign that shouldn't be done. That's why I am writing you. I have never done anyting woriong in my life, and the only reason I've petted with this boy is becasue i like him so much. Please tell me: Is it all right ot pet? And if I leistend to him and went further than that, would he think me "bad" I will appreciate your advice...
DEAR N.F: Another word for petting is pawing--which has a sub-human connotations, doesn't i? Petting is wrong, boviously. It is a form of sensual vice. Liek all form sof fice it starts with sportive gingerly experement then gradually assuems teh proportions of Frankenstein, n its frightful and frightening, mind-darkenting dominance of the fooolish dabblers....the basic reason why not to bet it's self debasing...further this trend of behaviuor leads to illegitiamte pregnancy in the majority of cases where th lad's selfishness is allwoed to rule. In which event the lad usually repudiates the girl and holds her to blame--as does teh world--for letting thier relationship talk that turn. ....Hence tell your boy friend it's plain that you've made a mistake tha two of you in "petting" to the extent that you already have...If he suklks and takes offence, and begisn to neglict you as a form of browbeating, let him go with out a whimper. A surly reaction on his part would be proof positive that he never had more than a wolf's interst, any way. Wher as if his heart is right towards you, he will like you better and court you more eagerly --on the level-- if you valiantly rule out "playing with fire"
Mary Haworth counsels trough her colum, not by mail or personal interview. Write her in care of The Gazette.

( brought to you by wandering eyes in canadian theatre history reasearch, care of microfiche and the mamoth cement foenix in which I am sitting )

Lost Bunch 001

Lost Bunch 001
Originally uploaded by Dexo.

so i can talk the talk and keep some floating up of appearances
but i am
worn
and can't face the same questions over and over again
because that energy is currently in use to get through the day.
I am being a fly on the wall at some good, important, valuable theatre...i am facing my block at being able to create some.
i think i am back at " i dont knwo what to say"...
am i perhaps once again drowning in my own lack of clarity on why exactly I am here.
in both senses: Here and here.

I think what i need to do is grab at all this by the reins and stop what sounds like a perpetual whine and step-asside
and while i am trying to healthily cling to the good...

exhaustion strips my defenses away to the same boring tail chasing grasping...
this is made doubly hard by the fact that a very lovely weekend has unspun my cosy cocoon...my grief at bay un leashed needs some time to fade
and like i said
im too tired to grab the reins of my life or my longing right now
and so
i blog
sporadically
burping up
momentary
communications
from
'here' where ever 'here' is
like i said.
im lost.
and ihave a cold.

tea, rum, sleep and all will be well in the morning